a short pause

“I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident.”

I don’t like to talk about spirituality and religion in a personal manner. I can speak about religion as a social institution, as a concept… about spirituality as a theory, as a lifestyle. But it is an extremely rare occasion that I find it appropriate to discuss my personal belief and experience, and even then it is strictly with my family.

Despite this, I read this quote in a book my mom gave me, and for a moment the world—at least my current world—seemed suddenly ordered. And I’m breaking my personal rule to share with you why.

These last few months in Slovakia have been good. Really good. But as the winter gets darker and colder, so do my thoughts. Living here is hard. Being a wandering, indecisive, confused twenty-something is hard. Realizing that my strengths are irrelevant and my weaknesses are definitive—is hard. But this realization comes with a second: that god is the essence of a happy existence.

Pause. When I write “god,” I need to be clear. I don’t mean, specifically, the Christian god—nor the god of any other religion. What I mean is the sense of peace and goodness that pulls at our gut and takes hold of our heart. The sense that speaks through meaningful conversations with true friends, which is still in the quiet of morning, and which warms the hands with a cup of fresh coffee. I don’t know how to express this without speaking in clichés, but I certainly refuse to associate it with any religion because (for me) religion is so heavy.

For me, in this time of glaring weakness—the best way I know how to find peace is to put my head down to the earth and decide to see god glimmer in the goodness of humanity and the beauties of a simple life. 

Stuzkova and a visit to Liptovsky Mikulas

Since last Sunday, when the clocks fell back, the days seem impossibly short. By 4:00 every afternoon, I’m counting the hours before it is acceptable to go to sleep. The sun starts setting just before then, and it is dark by 5:00. This week has been a week of adjusting to this change, and I hope by next week I’ll be able to stay awake past 8:30 again.

Last Friday, one of my classes had their Stuzkova. In case you’ve forgotten, Stuzkova is an event celebrating the graduation of the final year students. They translate it as prom, which in a way makes sense, but it is nothing like the proms in the US. This particular Stuzkova was for my favorite group of students, 4A. These students are all so nice, honest, sweet and simply happy. Though they aren’t all shockingly intelligent, many of them seem to have a goodness that cannot be learned.  Last year I liked all of my students and I mostly enjoyed their Stuzkovas, but the truth is, I didn’t really know the students that well. This year, it was so much more enjoyable because I felt like I knew most of the students. They weren’t just Barbies in their multi-colored dresses with big hair and even bigger heals, it was Lenka and Nika and Barbora dressed in their idea of beauty. And the “program” which the students did wasn’t at all perfect… but it was unmistakably evident that they were having fun and enjoying their own performance, which is a beautiful thing to see.

Despite this, there was about twenty minutes that felt absolutely surreal to me. And I think it’s quite hard to describe unless you know what it’s like to be a foreigner or unless you know anything about Slovaks and their culture. At the Stuzkova, all of the students walk in very regally, accompanied by an epic song, looking very poised and proud. After they walk in, they are each pinned with their stuzkova—a green ribbon that is given to every student in their final year. They are all called by name, pinned, and then they come in front of the whole audience and give a proud bow or curtsy. Then they take an aperitif and hold it, wait for the rest of the class to be pinned, and then many people come up to give speeches. First it was the director of the school. She gave a speech that I didn’t understand, and some students started to get a bit choked up. Then one of the students came to give a speech, and many of the girls in the class were extremely emotional… but I had no idea why because I didn’t really understand everything in the speech. And then, while I was in a daze of confusion, one of the girls collapsed—breaking her glass, cutting her hand, and dripping blood on her white dress. She had merely fainted, but there was a hushed panic and she was quietly walked to the bathroom and then the speeches continued and the ceremony went on… without an “formal” acknowledgement of her collapse.

Perhaps this doesn’t sound so bizarre. But for me, it was completely surreal. It was so strange to personally feel purely apathetic to the speeches when I saw my students feel deeply affected. And then, when I saw something that truly and deeply alarmed me… one of my students shaking on the floor with blood on her beautiful white dress… there was simply a hush and a swift movement to remove the interruption to the program. I am sure that if I had a better understanding of Slovak that I would have better understood everything that was happening. But as a more-or-less dumb and neutral observer, I felt so disturbed by the series of events.

After the Stuzkova on Friday, I took a train on Saturday to see a friend in Liptovsky Mikulas. It was nice to share some meals with her, to catch up on our lives and the maturation that had occurred since we last met. On Sunday, we took a beautiful hike in the Low Tatras. The weather was perfect and epitomized everything I love about fall. The air was fresh, the trees were turning, the sun was shining low in the sky, and we could hear the leaves crunch underneath our boots.

Though the stay in Liptovsky Mikulas was short, it was a needed break from my routine in Kosice. Then, this week, I’ve been enjoying the company of my friend Val and her boyfriend, “Fabio,” who is visiting from Paris. Together we’ve been sharing meals… beautiful French meals with French cheese, learning useful French phrases like “move your ass fat cow.” So far, it’s been a good week. But with each passing day, the truth is that I am looking more and more forward to returning home. Not because I miss my friends and my family, not because I miss all of the comforts of my life in Minnesota, but because I feel like it’s becoming time to close this chapter in my life. Of course I miss things about Minnesota, but this isn’t really a motivator. I simply feel like it is the right time.

Until next week. 

a perfect day

this past week at school, as a writing exercise, i asked the students to free-write about what their perfect day would look like. i was thinking about what my perfect day might look like... and lo and behold, it was realized yesterday.

we are on fall break and val is gone for the weekend. i have the flat all to myself and nothing to do. which is pretty glorious, if you ask me. yesterday i woke up late, around 10:00, feeling so happy. i'd had nice dreams, i was warm and the sun was shining. i got out of bed and stretched, and went to make a perfect cup of (real) coffee. i had my strawberry yogurt, drank my coffee and looked out of the window. the trees are in the peak of their autumn color, and the tree just outside of this flat is a deep, golden yellow... it is really beautiful. after my breakfast, i changed and stretched and went out for a run. i went to Anicka, a park nearby, and ran for nearly an hour. the trees were so beautiful and the run felt so good to my lazy body.

i came back to my flat and prepared a good lunch... i re-heated bean soup that i recently made (yes, i cooked!) and had fresh bread and dark chocolate. perfect. when i sat down to read, my friend olivier called me spontaneously and asked if i would want to go to the countryside with him. of course! so i got dressed and we went by car to lake ruzin. it was so beautiful. the drive was amazing. seriously, the trees are gorgeous. they are dark green, orange, yellow, brown, red... perfection. and the air was so cool and so crisp. we sat near the lake and had some coffee and then we went to a hill nearby to sit and enjoy the surroundings.

afterward, we came back to kosice and i had a quiet evening... reading and watching a documentary while knitting. i really don't know what the day was missing, it felt like everything my soul needed.

the rest of this holiday should be good as well. i just ordered some christmas gifts and am planning to go for some hummus and falafel in a few minutes. can't wait!

send me news!

an old post

i've moved, and since this move, i don't have such regular access to the internet. hence, this post is one that i wrote a few days ago... but worth posting, nonetheless.

Yesterday I booked my tickets to come home for Christmas. Get ready, Minnesota! I’m coming!

This last week has been a bit chaotic. On Sunday, I went to Val’s flat to meet her and Fabio for the Rugby World Cup between France and New Zealand. It was my first time watching rugby, but I must say, I am hooked. I am rarely a sports fan, but rugby was so much fun to watch that I will be eager to watch it again. France lost, unfortunately, but it was such a nice morning. Sitting on the couch and watching a game with two friends during the fall… it felt so familiar and so much like home.

After the game, we went to my friend Antonio’s for a small lunch. He lives in a house, so in the back he has a nice yard where we could sit and enjoy the fall weather. Most of the “Spanish team” was there, and Antonio had made pumpkin soup and tortillas (omelette with potatoes) for us. Plus, Val and Fabio had bought really great wine, so the afternoon was full of great food and great friends.

I had to leave early to meet my friend Vesna, because she was helping me move! Because that afternoon, I was moving into Val’s flat. Fortunately, it didn’t take that long to move all of my stuff. And when I went into my room, I was greeted by the most beautiful bedspread. Val and Fabio had found it for me at Tesco. It was pink, purple and covered with Disney Princesses! And, Fabio had bought me a beautiful poster in Paris of a woman staring at the moon with wolves and dogs. Wow. It was all so beautiful and such a wonderful welcome to my new room.

The rest of the week has been, as mentioned earlier, chaotic. We only had “official” school on Monday and Tuesday, and on Wednesday there was some promotion for the French bilingual section in the center where they played Petanque with the mayor. Thursday was a big event to celebrate the 20^th anniversary of the bilingual section, and the students put on a big show for the whole school. It was really nice, except for the fact that there were many speeches… all of which were made in Slovak and interpreted into French, or vice a versa. I was lost. Plus, I had woken up late that morning and didn’t have time for my coffee, and I didn’t realize that the event was actually a pretty formal affair… and I showed up in jeans. Whoops.

Every evening I’ve been cooking!!! I’ve made brussel sprouts, bean soup, cookies… be impressed. This is more cooking than I’ve done in a whole year! I’m so happy to have someone to share my meals with. And last night, we danced to songs from the eighties. Finally, I’m living with someone who likes to dance as much as me.  It will be a good three months.

This weekend is a holiday, so no school! Normally I would try to go somewhere and see something new, but this year I just wasn’t able to organize anything. My life has felt so nice being quiet that I don’t feel so eager to shake things up.  This weekend a friend might come, but that’s it. I hope to do a lot of running, reading, knitting and sleeping. 

winter is upon us

it seems that in a matter of twenty-four hours, kosice has turned it's beautiful autumnal back on us, leaving us in the dismal, gray and cold beginnings of winter. the sun has already become a faded memory, and the darkness is becoming heavier and heavier, earlier and earlier, each day.

minnesota is home to some of the cruelest winters, but for some reason the winter in slovakia hits me harder. sunday was a blissful day. the weather was the definition of perfection, and i felt so sweet and light and happy. monday was a bit of a hard day at school, but i managed to hold on to my lightness. by tuesday, however, the clouds had come and winter had poked his ugly head into our lives. this week has been full of efforts to push him away, most of which have been futile. even physically i'm more tired and my body feels on the constant verge of sickness.

enough gloom. i said, enough! because despite all of this, i still have one good story to tell.

last night i felt sick. laying on my bed, hoping to vomit for some relief (sorry to be graphic). i decided that i should do something good, to reintroduce a bit of happiness into my current state of mind. naturally, i called valerie. we decided to meet for a drink (of tea, in my case). when she arrived, she came with her friend! he's french, and his name is patrick (but we call him Fabio, lest there be any confusion). he's great, and he came early this weekend to surprise val. it was a great surprise for me as well. since the restaurant we wanted to go to was full, we went to a different one--- one that i'd never been to. it was underground, and when we walked in we saw that friday was "disco night." without much pause, we went in. we sat down next to the empty dance floor, and there wasn't any music or anything playing. we ordered our food. while we waited, fabio gave me a gift that he brought from paris. it was a set of extra-classy saki glasses that, when filled with liquid, show less-than-kosher images of less-than-proper women (i hope you feel the humor). when we were eating, the lights suddenly turned off in favor of disco-lights. the fog machine went to work and we were suddenly eating our meal in the middle of the dance floor to the soundtrack of ABBA in the background. val and fabio have a great sense of humor, so we spent the rest of the meal laughing and dancing, and watching the people around us dance. the crowd was mostly middle-aged, and my favorite couple was one guy in white with a true mullet, serious moves and an unrelenting pursuit of a woman in black (who also had a mullet). he finally won her over, and they danced with locked lips for almost ten minutes. not really kissing, just locking lips. i searched for someone who i could use to compete with them, but i only found an old, leprechaun-esque man with moves which left me wondering if he had turrets or muscle spasms. i wasn't keen on trying.

after pop, lock and droppin' it, we moved to a different bar for a drink. i had a juice and went home early, but at least i had a small smile on my face.

this weekend i'm making the move to valerie's flat. if you think of me, say a little prayer and wish upon a lucky star.

my hair is screaming infidelities.

my hair is everywhere. it's disgusting. i mention this only for two reasons: 1. i just finished sweeping my floor and vomiting over how much hair i put in the bin, and 2. i had no idea what to call the title of this entry, and the worm in my ear was singing "your hair is everywhere..." for obvious reasons. don't even begin to tell me how lame it is, i already know.

and i know it's lame to be writing another entry just one or two days after the last, but i have to. i just have to. yesterday was too memorable to go by undocumented via my narcissistic outlet.

saturday morning i woke up full of dread: GRE English Subject exam doomsday. i had an awkward encounter with the front desk guy at the hotel, and an even more awkward encounter with an old lady in the breakfast room. without details, these encounters can be explained by locked doors, failure of my "i'm-stupid-but-so-sweet-you-love-me" routine, and my over-enthusiastic love for yogurt. you can fill in the rest with your imagination.

after breakfast, i went to the testing site for a series of more uncomfortable encounters... luckily, i wasn't leading the Awkward Train this time. i walked up to the steps to the room and immediately when i turned into the corridor i heard a group of guys talking and laughing.  they all looked like wannabe Einsteins in varying forms. some had long neanderthal hair and sweatpants, some had old loafers and tattered sweaters, some looked like dan wilson after spending three months in the desert, and all looked like they hadn't gone shopping since puberty. i walked closer and as i approached they all got quiet. not knowing what to do, i employed the "i'm stupid but so sweet" routine (this time quite effectively) and asked "is this where the GRE subject exams are?" one of the guys gave me a "No Shit Sherlock" look and said plainly "yes." their conversation promptly resumed with one guy explaining the discovery of his math genius, "when i was in seventh grade and everyone thought i was bad at math, and then i went to Mathletes and i was the only one who scored higher than fifty percent on the exam." then a guy with curly hair and glasses (and an unfortunate stutter) said "it was cosign a.... uh, and.... co co cosign b (hiccupping laughter), not co sa sa sign a pl.... plus cosign b!" everyone bounced and grunted-- some mathematical form of laughter. one was talking about the math section of the general GRE, laughing about how incredibly simplistic it was (i sheepishly tucked my tail in between my legs). two very classy asians walked in, sporting their MIT water bottles and they purposefully removed themselves from the rest of the group. in total, there were two unibrows, two zit-prone, four hand-wringers, one continual bathroom-runner, one foot bouncer, seven glasses, three lightweights and nearly all (i would soon discover) were pencil tappers. what does that equal? one classic, nervous group of math nerds.

while waiting and relishing this group, i looked at the list of test takers next to the door. on the left were the names, and on the right it listed the specific exam each was taking: "mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, Literature in English, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics, mathematics." needless to say, i was the odd one out.

and how did the exam go? i didn't cry and i finished it.

after the exam, i rewarded myself with walk in beautiful budapest and a little shopping. it was an autumnal saturday at its finest, accompanied with an americano to-go.

my train left at six in the evening, and i was on the train well before it's departure at 5:30. i went early to secure my cabin and do everything i could to make it look like it wasn't available for sharing (i'm a little selfish and high-maintenance when it comes to traveling by train). but as soon as i was closing the door and curtains, a 70ish-old man knocked on the door and asked in slovak "is it open." i sighed. replied "ano, prosim," and opened the door for him (all the while thinking, MY GOD! THE WHOLE CAR IS FULL OF OPEN CABINS! GET YOUR OWN!) and smiled pleasantly. he immediately caught on that i didn't speak slovak, so he started talking to me in english.

long winded fails to describe him. from 5:30 until our train pulled into kosice at 10:00, he talked to me in his broken english. not a single break. i could write a novel about this man. he is a veterinarian and works at the university, and as soon as i said i was from minnesota he grabbed my hand "ah! min knee soh tah! saint pow ol! i was there! yea! i was there!... pockaj, moment... LEE KER! the store to buy al koh hall! it was near the capitol, there slovaks were, special shop, to buy the alcohol!" and he told me about which water is best to buy in slovakia ("the green is with the little of the gas, the blue has the gas"), which meat is best, which cheese is best (and where each cheese is made), how to make good eggs, what brandy is made from, what beer is made from, why tokaj wine is sweet, what are good fruit syrups, where to find the best apples, why the produce isn't so good, why the weather is so dry, why the farming in socialism was better, why slovakia was the first country to get rid of tuberculosis in its farms, why oil gives you cancer, why the mammary glands swollen in cows is a problem, why there is infertility among dairy cows, why the cows in portugal die from bacterial infections.

when we were talking about sausage,  i confessed that i didn't like sausage, he looked at me "but why not!" he was visibly angry, "here it is very good, very good the sausage, many spice." and i said that yes, i know, but in general i don't like salamis or sausage. "BUT WHY NOT! HERE IS VERY GOOD THE SAUSAGE" so finally i said, yes you're right! great sausage! and his smile returned. without pause, he proceeded to inform me how to use pork fat for cooking (oil gives us cancer), how to use pork blood (yes, blood) for cooking, how to stuff food in the pig intestines for eating (like "the english kitchen"). he told me in detail about hunting, where he shot the animal, how long it twitched before it collapsed on its left side, how much it bled... and then, of course, he had photos to show me of his dead animals. many, many photos. we talked about the university system, about his research, about what it means to have good meat "first, we consider the water. is it clean. does it have the minerals. where is it from. was there insects in it. how about the viruses. second, we consider the ground. is it the hay. is it the pelts. is it the mud. how about is it clean. is it the soft or is it the hard. third, we consider the pen. is there room for the sow to stand up. for the sow to sit down. for the sow to go to the water. for the sow to lay down. for the sow to turn in the circle. is the sow happy. is it away from the pain. is it away from the discomfort. fourth, we consider..." and what if he was searching for a word in english that i didn't know? anger! and then he told me the name of a certain grain here in slovakia, and i told him i didn't know it. outrage! "BUT IT IS IN THE ENGLISH! THIS IS THE NAME IN THE ENGLISH! I KNOW IT! IT IS YOUR LANGUAGE! YOUR MOTHER LANGUAGE! YOU NOT KNOW IT!" but as soon as i said oh yes, ok, yes i know it... his smile returned, and he continued without pause.

this man was clearly intelligent, and wildly eccentric. he was quite tall and unmoved by my suitcase straps hitting his head at every jolt of the train. he knew the latin names of everything, from trees to animals to plants (and of course told me). he was an avid hunter. he's literally traveled the world. he hates gypsies and talks about socialism like one talks about utopia. his name is gabriel, his daughter gabriella, and his granddaughter gabrielle. and the man just wouldn't let me rest! he even insisted on taking me home rather than letting me walk in peace.

by the time i was finally in my flat, i went to wash my face and noticed my puffy eyes and shiny hair. but i still had to go and meet some friends. as seems to be my trademark lately, i came looking like i've just escaped from the asylum. my hair was frizzy, shiny and wild (and leaving a trail, it seems). evidence of the crazy day i'd just had.

whew. are you still awake? if not, wake up. this is the end of the entry.

send me some news, dear people from home! i miss you.

keeping to my promise

whelp. it's nearly been one week and i haven't written in my blog yet. so to make good on my promises, here is another entry. the truth is, per usual, i don't have anything worth sharing. last weekend i spent studying, all week i spent studying, and all day today i've been studying. for what? GRE!

wednesday evening i took a train out of kosice to budapest where i've been holed up in a hotel room for the past two days. thursday morning i took the general GRE. honestly, i thought i was perfectly prepared and i was more confident than normal. i walked into the bizarre testing room, sat in my 80's-esque wooden cubicle, fixed the orange "noise-blocking" headphones on and proceeded to complete the exam on a more-than-outdated PC. four hours later, i removed the headphones (whose ancient heaviness had left a painful indent in my hairdo) and stared at the screen with my scores. as it turns out, i'm actually not a genius. i know that this news may surprise many of you (trust me, it surprised me too), but i'm actually exceptionally normal. i shrugged my shoulders, thought to myself "ok," and left the testing center without even the slightest sigh of relief. blahhhhhhhhse.

since leaving the testing center on thursday around 1:00, i've been in my hotel room. yep. going on 30 hours now! i've been sleeping, eating... but mostly studying my brains out. tomorrow morning i take the GRE english subject exam. if the general GRE made me feel un-genius-like, this exam makes me feel downright incompetent. i feel as if i'm dressed in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops and being forced to climb mt. everest. surprisingly, and most uncharacteristically, this acute awareness of my incompetency drives me more towards sleep than panic. i can hardly remember taking a test without a shred of panic. but i think now, a full year and a half out of college, i've realized that it just doesn't matter. of course it'd be great to do well on the exam, and it will be hard to see a bad score (and realistically, i understand it is "important" for my "future"). but truthfully, the bigger tragedy for me at the moment would be missing my morning coffee, discovering a great big zit on my forehead, or missing a gratuitous ten minutes of reading. or my god, even worse, discovering that i've run out of yogurt!!! (the horror!!)

lazy and unenlightened, i may be, but unhappiness i refuse.

people of MN: SEND ME SOME NEWS! i feel stranded on an island, and all of you feel like a distant memory of some former fantastical life i used to lead.

lovingly yours,
alw